Synaesthesia

I feel like a bit of a fraud calling my last post "feeling blue". Because I haven't been feeling blue at all. I've been feeling yellow.

I'm not really sure, but I think I might have a mild form of synaesthesia. I probably should look into it further. Most information about Synaesthetes relates to colour/letter or colour/number synaesthesia.

I think I have some kind of colour/touch, or at least colour/pain thing going on. Pain is yellow to me. It always has been. I think that is one thing that has been contributing to my mood lately, this constant yellow pain. Yellow doesn't sound half bad, but it isn't a nice yellow, more orange really. It's like nicotine stain yellow.

I wrote a poem when I was about 15. I called it "what colour is the world today?" I can't remember all of it, but know it went something like this:

"What colour is the world today?
Yellow.
But not like ducklings or daffodils.
It is darker, deeper, danker.
It is a putrid bile yellow
That burns your eyes,
like vomit burns your nose.
Stinging, stinking, horrid."

It goes on, but that description, that is the yellow of pain. I remember how overwhelming it was. The yellow back then came from the gut-wrenching ache I felt sitting in the hospital ward with my foster brother, watching him go through seizure after seizure, and being told that he would most likely die one day during a seizure.

The first real time I remember it clearly was when I broke my arm in primary school. I knew it was broken. And I remember how yellow the drive to the hospital was. In my memory, the yellow is the clearest thing.

With my recent back injury, it is definitely yellow. For example, today, I was walking across the lounge room, and just lost my leg out from under me. I got this massive flash of yellow as my back jarred. And when I try to sleep at night, the yellow is really distracting.

This is so difficult and awkward to explain, because it isn't like seeing the colour, it is just an awareness of the colour. Okay, I think I have successfully made myself sound like a loon, so I might leave it there for tonight.