Struggling

I am struggling today. I don't want to be going to work. I love my work. I really do. But in the cost/benefit analysis today, things are not adding up.

Private practice work is so unpredictable. At the moment, financially, it is costing me (significantly) to work. My current client load isn't covering the cost of childcare. My boss told me last week that she has decided that she won't be paying for my supervision anymore. So that adds another expense I will be out of pocket for. So, I will have to pay for that, as well as professional development costs, which I already have to pay. So from a financial point of view, it really isn't worth it. But I know I am gaining a lot professionally in terms of experience, and it does wonders for my self-esteem.

Yesterday, I picked up Bear from daycare, and took him down to the foreshore for a play in the park. I ran into two of the other mothers from my mothers' group. It just really hit home for me, that for them, this is there dy, all day, everyday, playing and laughing, and connecting with their child. Where Bear gets it for 45 minutes, three days a week.

I think it is also because Bear is growing so quickly. He now says, "banana" rather than "nana" (although he does still call berry juice, "fairy gloosh" which is charming). He understands and knows so much, and I feel bad that I am not the one who has taught him.

Yesterday at daycare, he went to a playgroup with some of the other local daycare-carers and their charges. They had a guest from a local aquarium, who brought in sea-cucumbers, star-fish, sea urchins, a baby turtle and even a baby shark!  I saw some photos of what a fun time Bear was having, and he was really getting into it. I want to share those things with him.